with Negative Feelings.
Introduction
In the Old Testament, the bearer of bad news was slain. Yahweh sent Nathan the prophet to confront King David about his adultery with Bathsheba and his murder of her husband to cover up his affair. Nathan successfully confronted the king by means of a story. He told a fable of the abuse of power. "In a town there was a rich man and a poor man. The poor man had nothing but a ewe lamb which had become a family pet. The rich man had flocks in abundance, but when a traveler came to stay, the rich man took the poor man's lamb to prepare it for his guest." When he heard the story, King David's anger flared and he said to Nathan "The man who did this deserves to die. He must make 4 fold restitution for such a thing and showing no compassion."
Nathan said to King David: "You are the man and you have shown contempt for Yahweh despite his many blessings." David repented. Nathan's use of the story finessed the king into admitting his guilt and repenting. (II Samuel 12) In today's competitive companies, partners at work need to give all kinds of feedback, positive and negative to one another. Yet few people have adequate skills in confronting and giving negative feedback. Fewer still have mastered conflict resolution skills. It is often an under-rated, under-developed and under-used skill.
A company can have much good going for itself, good service, great products, positive attitudes, good listening, encouragement, and great bottom line. But unless its managers practice effective confronting and feedback skills, then poor performance does not get adequately faced, and morale is slowly diminished.
The core competency lacking in all industries at all levels may be the ability to handle conflict and confrontation. Without good feedback skills, particularly with negative performance behavior, there is a diminishment of both morale and productivity often unnoticed. Many people, if not most, are not comfortable giving negative feedback. Few know how to do this well. The annual performance review is often the most dreaded event of the year for both manager and employee. Most managers and most team members recognize that they could be more effective if they were better in handling their own negative feelings, better with feedback skills. Yet feedback has been called the "breakfast of champions." by Ken Blanchard, one of the originators of the One Minute Manager.
The following fable is about feedback: how to give it, how to set the stage so that it is effective, how to create a situation where it is not only accepted but welcomed. Win-Win Finesse is about the "stuff" of champions: the milk (of caring) and cereal (bread of words), the actual breakfast food, and how to nourish a new workplace climate. The Win-Win Finesse method employs a paradoxical communication originally developed in the double bind theory of communication theory. The author undertook studying double bind at the Mental Research Institute with Paul Watzlawick in the 1980s. He has since been using, teaching and refining this method for conflict resolution in many organizational workshops. An explanation of the double bind and paradoxical communication, as well as the origin of this Finesse can be found on the web site www.winwinfinesse.
It is proposed that this method is one of the most effective ways of dealing with conflict, confrontation and negative feelings in the workplace ever discovered. We believe that this method when well used can change the business world and organizational life for many persons.
Instead of living in fear and aversion of conflict and confrontation, and burying negative feelings, managers who have learned to be strategic in their feedback style can succeed where they previously would have failed.
Everyone who needs to partner in life and work can have more effective tools. Next we take our model from the prophet Nathan and tell the reader a fable. After the story are 26 actual examples of managers applying this skill in a variety of situations.
"You never change things by fighting existing reality. To change something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete." –Buckminster Fuller.